What To Say In First Message On Dating Site Examples
If you’re going to compliment her be specific. Too many guys gave women a generic compliment in their first online dating message. When it came to complimenting a woman’s appearance, 50% said something like, “You are hot.”. 60% said something like, “I like your profile.”.
- 2020 Case Study – What To Say In The First Online Dating Message (Infographic). First contact on dating sites examples.
- Mar 22, 2020 Besides setting up a killer profile, you need to have some great online dating openers ready to intrigue her. During my 100-date experiment, I analyzed thousands of dating profiles. When you deliver awesome opening lines for online dating sites and apps, your chances of connecting with quality women increase greatly.
Great question, Tony! You’re right about the two steps that make a great first message:
1) finding common ground with a girl, then
2) starting a conversation about it.
The key – and the best way to start a conversation – is to ask a question.
Girls love when you ask us questions. It’s flattering that you care what we think, and we like talking about ourselves.
But it can also be more complicated than that. Online dating is a little like gaming. Writing a message and getting a girl to reply is the final battle with the boss. In order to win, you’ll need all the knowledge, strength, and skill you’ve acquired so far.
But you also have one big advantage.
I’ll tell you what a girl’s biggest weakness is. We want you to win the battle.
That’s why we’re here, online dating. Girls get so many bad first messages, we’re dying to get a message so good it knocks us over.
Here’s how to level up with your first message:
1. Focus on quality, not quantity.
Unfortunately, many guys try to message a bunch of girls, instead of just the ones who are the best matches. They don’t take time to write good messages. They’d rather write a lot of messages – and take any response they can get, whether or not the girl is a good fit for him.
Girls see through this. We get so many of those lazy mass-messages that we just ignore them.
If you spend a little more time messaging girls who are a good match for you, you’ll probably find it’s much more productive. Look for girls with common interests, shared beliefs, and similar goals. Those girls are much more likely to respond to you because you are a good fit.
And a girl like that will appreciate that you took the time to read her profile, notice what you have in common, and ask her questions about those things, creating a solid connection.
2. Compliment common interests and personality – not looks.
Girls are tired of getting messages from guys who compliment our looks, but have nothing to say about the rest of our profiles. Those messages are shallow and meaningless – the online equivalent of getting dry-humped by douche bags in a club.
You’re not one of those guys, and you have to show us that.
The best first messages show us that you’re interested in who we are – not what we look like.
Like this first message example:
This is a great message for three reasons:
1) Miles leads with a compliment to my personality, rather than my face. This makes me open to what he’ll say next, because he’s showing me he’s different than those other guys.
2) He asks me a question based on a specific detail in my profile, and follows up with another broader question (bonus!). This is excellent because Miles:
a) proves he read my profile,
b) starts a conversation about stuff we share in common,
c) reinforces further that he’s interested in my thoughts, not just my looks, by asking more about the stuff I’m interested in.
3) Miles shows some of his own personality by asking about my fixer-upper house. I can tell he’s excited about the same stuff I am, which makes me excited to talk to him.
This is fuckin’ gold, Miles!
3. Start a conversation.
This might seem obvious to you and Miles, but so many guys don’t know HOW to do this! They ask really general questions, like, “How’s your weekend going?” or “What’s up?”
These messages are the worst.
While “How are you?” is a question, it doesn’t actually start a conversation. I can reply, “Good. How are you?” but then we’re back where we started. Pointless. I never reply to these messages because they bug the shit out of me.
If you read a girl’s profile and can’t think of a question to ask her based on the information there, don’t message her at all.
A great first message jumps past pointless questions and right into specific questions. The best questions you can ask have “long-game.” That’s why it works so well to ask a girl about something you have in common. When you bring up a topic you both like, you’ll both have lots to say about it, which paves the way for a longer conversation.
For example: say you and a girl are both snowboarders. You could easily lead by asking her the question: “Where’s your favorite spot to snowboard around here?” After she answers that, you’re probably also interested in asking how long she’s been snowboarding, what gear she likes, and if she has any upcoming trips planned.
Because you opened with a topic she’s interested in, too, she’ll probably ask you those questions back – plus more of her own.
That’s a lot to talk about, and that’s long-game.
To achieve this, you have to ask her questions. The questions are the gas. Making a statement, like, “I like snowboarding, too,” doesn’t move the conversation forward.
4. Keep it simple.
As a rule of thumb, ask one or two questions. Some guys make the mistake of firing off a long list of questions about a whole range of topics. This is overwhelming to girls. And it’s time-consuming to answer ten questions!
Stick with one or two low-pressure questions that make it easy for us to respond quickly because we’re interested. Online dating is awesome because a girl’s profile is one big list of conversation topics. Just pick one detail you think is cool, or you’re genuinely curious about, and ask her about it.
This guy does a nice job asking an easy question based on stuff we both like:
Determining what the right thing to say in your first online dating message to a woman can be tough. How do you get a woman's attention when she might be getting bombarded by messages 24/7?
We analyzed thousands of messages from men across the country and created the infographic below to give you a peek into how other guys are doing it. Find out what everyone else is doing so you can stand out!
What Men Are Saying In Their First Online Dating Message
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Our team has combed through and analyzed thousands of messages sent to women by younger men in our research study to see exactly what they say in their first message and how you can use that data to improve your own online dating success.
We collected our message data from many different attractive women interested in dating younger men with widely varying:
- Locations
- Careers and incomes
- Ethnicities
- Religions
- Interests
- Ages (primarily 30-45)
Our goal was to create a general picture of how men initially communicate with older women online and we believe we have put together a fantastic picture. This is info that you can use everywhere online from the few legit hookup sites and apps to more traditional dating sites.
How To Use This In Your Own First Online Dating Message
There are 10 key takeaways from this infographic that can help you in your dating life:
1. Give her something to work with
The first message shouldn’t be a novel but it should make it easy for her to respond.
Nearly a quarter of men just said something like 'Hi' or 'what's up'.
Way to set yourself apart from the pack guys....
In this day and age, assume most people have ADD online - you only have a VERY brief window to catch someone’s attention.
This is especially true for a woman in online dating who has HUNDREDS of matches.
You DO NOT want to make her work to like you.
Most guys kept the first message under 20 words.
Shorter and punchier is better but 20 words may be too short.
If you just send her the typical 'Hi' or 'Whats up' you are going to get a very boring response. This is a type of message you should probably avoid sending.
Do you think that is a great way to start of the interaction?
2. Don’t be afraid to talk about yourself
Dale Carnegie said that a person’s favorite topic of conversation is themselves.
But if you never tell a woman anything about you in your first online dating message, she has nothing to be attracted to… unless she’s 100% superficial and only looking at your bod.
Only 14% of all men talked about themselves when it came to messaging older women.
Yes, it’s good to keep the focus of the conversation on her, what she likes, and so on… But make sure to tell her about you!
Hit her with a few of the more interesting tidbits about yourself so that she will want to learn more. This is a great way to talk to girls online.
3. Most men talk about their fitness level or height (so don't)
So what should you talk about with the older woman and tell her about?
If you want to be different, DON’T talk about fitness level or your height… 63% and 42% of all men, respectively, messaged about those things.
Women do care about that stuff obviously.
But get her more interested in your personality and who you are.
Here are some more interesting things you can talk to her about:
- Travel
- Hobbies
- Things you have in common
- A funny moment
- Your motivations for what you do during the day
What To Say In First Message On Dating Site Examples List
Take it deeper and don’t just be like any other guy.
Online dating is a numbers game but with a tiny bit more effort, you can drastically improve your results and your first message response rate.
4. If you’re going to compliment her be specific
Too many guys gave women a generic compliment in their first online dating message.
When it came to complimenting a woman’s appearance, 50% said something like, “You are hot.”
60% said something like, “I like your profile.”
This is boring.
This doesn’t make her feel like you actually looked at or care about her.
You’ve got to be a bit different.
Find something specific you can compliment her on if you want to charm her: Her eyes, an article of clothing she’s wearing, even a personality trait that comes across while you two are texting.
Women don’t get that type of compliment a lot so it makes you stand out from the crowd and catches her attention.
5. A lot of guys go right for the date
8% of men asked the older woman out on a date in their first message.
While this can be seen as a bold move it is typically not very successful unless you are incredibly good looking.
A woman is not going to meet you offline unless she is interested in you and comfortable with you.
Peaking her interest can be pretty easy if you can convey that you have your life together through your profile.
Getting her comfortable enough to actually meet usually takes a little more work.
If you are blasting out messages to every girl you see online and don't care which you meet that is one thing.
If you are more selective and want to greatly increase you chances of actually meeting a woman in person you should wait until your third message to get her number or meet up in person.
6. Drink dates are popular but it can be good to mix it up
“Drinks” was the standard date most guys (32%) opted for in their first online dating message.
Drinks aren’t bad.
A few drinks helps to loosen people up and allows us to have better conversations.
But did you know that only 1% of guys asked older women out to dancing?!
That’s needs to change.
Dancing is a fantastic first or second date (even if you can't dance).
It allows you to show that you can take charge, have fun, and that you are not afraid to try something you might not be great at.
What To Say In First Message On Dating Site Examples For Adults
If you’re scared of going dancing because you don’t know how, take some basic lessons.
You don’t have to be amazing, but taking a dancing class once a week for part of the year will put you in the top 10% of guys and give you a HUGE advantage over everyone else.
7. Asking for sex straight up happens but not as much as you might think
Asking for sex right away is VERY polarizing in your first online dating message.
While you may be able to find some success with this tactic it is typically a pretty low percentage move.
Every woman that we spoke to was extremely creeped out by the guys who sent these messages.
It probably didn't help that these guys almost always spelled something wrong!
Most likely, you’ll be scaring away a ton of women who MIGHT be down, but are afraid of committing to sex right away, or are unfortunately afraid of being thought of as “easy”.
Only 2% of men asked for sex as the first date.
Intuitively, most of us guys know that if we ask a girl to have sex with us straight away, the answer is most likely going to be “No.”
If you’d like to REALLY play the numbers game this could work, assuming you have an amazing body and pictures, and you’re looking for a woman who just wants sex.
8. Most guys leave the date general but you need to make it specific
Most men chose to leave the date as something general, like hanging out (around 30%).
Far less men made it something specific, like visiting a landmark in the city (6%).
Leaving it open and general is “safer”: There’s less risk of pushback or rejection if she doesn’t like your suggestion.
But being specific is better.
Not only can you screen to find out if you’ll like the woman (if she hates what you want to take her to), but feminine energy prefers having a specific and guided plan.
The more open you leave it, the less the woman feels like she can relax.
Especially when it comes to older women, you want to let her know that you have your shit together.
So, keep it specific: 8PM at the *neighborhood* park.
9. Thinking about telling her that she’s beautiful?
Most guys shied away when it came to using more sexually charged language.
29% of men told a woman that she was beautiful, but only 5% said that she was sexy.
While it’s good to be complimenting her, again, don’t be afraid of rejection.
Flirt online with a woman online to keep her interested (but not TOO much like asking for sex right away).
You’ll be screening out girls who aren’t interested.
From all these takeaways you should know that it’s better to be DIFFERENT.
You DON’T want to be doing the same thing all other guys do, because you’ll just get lost in the crowd.
What To Say In First Message On Dating Site Examples For Women
Here are some helpful tips from the 10 takeaways that can help you stand out:
What To Say In First Message On Dating Site Examples Free
- Keep the first message short (under 20 words) and send it after work (7pm) or during lunch.
- Don’t just make the first message, “Hi.” Make it punchy, like a question or a statement that intrigues her.
- If you’re going to compliment her, don’t make it generic. It’s better to make it about a specific character trait or body part.
- Don’t be afraid to tell her about yourself, but try not making it about your fitness level or height.
- Asking for sex is EXTREMELY polarizing - you probably won’t get many dates, but when you do….
- Ask her out on a very SPECIFIC date: “Let’s meet at XPM at Y place.”